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Title: Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
Author: Marshall Rosenberg
Series: There is not a series as such, but Rosenberg has written several books on this topic.
Genre: Self-help, nonfiction.
Reason for Reading: My friend Rock recommended the NVC process to me when I described to her some difficult interpersonal conflicts I had been having. When I started using this process I found it so amazingly helpful that I wanted to read the whole book.
Finished In: Months, because there is a LOT to think about here. I would read a few pages and need to stop and integrate.
Pages: 222, including a list of further NVC titles at the end.
Copyright Date: This is the second edition, copyright 2003. The first edition came out in 1999, although apparently Rosenberg developed the process in the 60's and 70's.
Cover: Lots of blue-greens featuring a daisy with a globe at its heart.
First line: "Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a way of interacting that facilitates the flow of communication needed to exchange information and resolve differences peacefully." That's from the blurb just inside the front cover.
Themes: Compassion, communication, labeling, judging, feelings, needs.
Best part: The system is, in my opinion, totally revolutionary - particularly in terms of separating what you (and other people) feel, observe, and need from what you THINK.
Worst part: There are two, actually, in my opinion. The first is the chapter on anger, which I didn't agree with or find convincing. The second is the interspersed poems and songs, many of which were written by Rosenberg, and I did not like them at all. I felt they were trite.
Imaginary Theme Song: Anything by Ruth Bebermeyer, who is often quoted in the book and apparently is a friend of Rosenberg's.
Grade: A-. This book is a total life-changer for me but I have to admit that it has some flaws.
Recommended for: Anyone who has difficulty communicating with other humans, or feels their communication skills have room for improvement, and frankly, who doesn't?
Related Reads: The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and Don't Shoot the Dog by Karen Pryor. They're not about exactly the same topic but both similarly changed the way I think about interacting with other people.

The best way I can think of to summarize the book is to explain and demonstrate the process in my own words. NVC has two parts - communicating honestly and receiving empathically. In both cases, we look for four parts.

Observation - What you or the other person is noticing, concrete and specific things that we can agree are objectively true.
Feelings - How you or the other person is feeling about these facts. There is an emphasis on owning your feelings, not making events or people responsible for them.
Needs - The underlying source of the feelings you, or the other person, is having.
Request - What you, or what they, are asking for to enrich life.

Here is my example of a piece of communication using the process:

I have observed that since I learned this process, the people I talk to thank me more often for listening to them.(O) I have also observed that we more often are able to keep our tempers during difficult conversations when I use this process. (O) When I think about this, I feel really grateful to Marshall Rosenberg for creating this process,(F) because I needed to learn some techniques that allow me to better express my understanding that other people are not responsible for my feelings.(N) I request that everyone who is reading this blog post seriously consider reading this book.(R) I also request that if this description of the process is helpful to you, or if you find the book helpful, that you leave a comment so I can know we're in this together.

When you are using this process, when you give a communication you are trying to make sure to use and differentiate all of those parts. When you receive a communication, you try to make sure you know what the other person is observing, feeling, needing, and requesting. You do not have to use those specific words or any words at all. You also reflect back to them what you believe they have said using the four components(and it is amazing to me how helpful this technique is, particularly in helping the original speaker understand more about their perspective).

This year in total I read 144 books. That's a pretty high total for me. That does include graphic novels but it does not include books that I've read before. I'm not going to list them all here, because I like you more than that, but if you want to see every single one, click here.

These books are those I label best. I either feel that they changed me, changed the genre they were written in, or could change the world. "But wait!" you said. "We love your best books of the year, but please, give us overly specific award categories and imaginary theme songs!"* All right, all right. Anything for my loyal readers.

Best comedy of manners masquerading as a mystery. Strong Poison by Dorothy Sayers - Let's Call the Whole Thing Off, Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong.
Best comic supernatural retelling of an early novel. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith - "Living Dead Girl" by White Zombie
Best fairy tale graphic novel for children. Rapunzel's Revenge by Shannon and Dean Hale - "Take the Road" from Never After
Best gay teen superhero story. Hero by Perry Moore - "I'm Coming Out" by Diana Ross
Best Greek-tragedy-influenced classic noir. The Big Sleep by Raymond Chandler "One for my Baby, and One for the Road" by Billy Holiday
Best late-life sexual memoir.** A Round-Heeled Woman by Jane Juska - "F*ck and Run" - Liz Phair
Best sexy pentacle tattoo novel set in Victorian England. Soulless by Gail Carriger - "Don't Leave Me This Way" by Thelma Houston
Best speculative suspense novel. Touchstone by Laurie R King - "Don't Let It Bring You Down," Annie Lenox
Best YA fantasy with a skeleton hero. Skulduggery Pleasant by Derek Landy - "You Can't Keep a Good Dog Down," from All Dogs Go to Heaven
Best YA starring a female assassin. Graceling by Kristin Cashore - "Bitterblue" by Cat Stevens

Honorable Mentions

These books earned a grade of B+, which is the high end of the "I love this book and would read it over and over!" category.

Santa Olivia by Jacqueline Carey
The Thin Man by Dashiel Hammet
The Grand Sophy by Georgette Heyer
No! I don't Want to Join a Book Club by Virginia Ironsides
My Most Excellent Year by Steven Kluger
Julie and Romeo by Jeanne Ray
The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society by Mary Anne Shaffer and Annie Barrow
Get Up: A 12-Step Guide to Recovery for Misfits, Freaks, and Weirdos** by Bucky Sinister
The Fox by Sherwood Smith
Dies the Fire by SM Stirling
Gate of the Gods by Martha Wells
The Wizard Hunters by Martha Wells
Maisie Dobbs by Jacqueline Winspear
Tempting Fate by Chelsea Quinn Yarbro

Want even more best-of goodness? Click here for 2008's best fiction, and here for the best nonfiction.

*All right, so you didn't. But you would have if you had thought of it. Am I right, or am I right?
**This year's notable nonfiction titles. Surprisingly, there were only two - usually it breaks down more evenly.

Title: Redefining Our Relationships: Guidelines for Responsible Open Relationships
Author: Wendy-O Matik
Genre: Nonfiction, relationships
Reason for Reading: I try to read all the books on polyamory. Because of the small number which get published, this is more workable than you would think. Now, if I tried to read all the books on spicing up monogamy? Then I'd be overwhelmed.
Pages: 92
Copyright Date: 2002
Cover: Abstract drawings of reconstructed underwear on a blue background. I'm not kidding. The abstract drawings also begin each chapter.
First line: "With the encouragement from many friends to write about what I've lived, I have been inspired to take a wild stab into the world of radically defined relationships."
Best part: It was short, which is a nice thing for an ILL to be.
Worst part: It felt sex-negative to me in some ways - I felt the author was saying both explicitly and implicitly, "It's not about sex!" Well, why can't it be about sex some of the time? What's wrong with sex?
Imaginary Theme Song: "Three" by Gaian Consort
Grade: C-
Recommended for: Those who, like me, wish to read every poly book they can get their hands on.
Related Reads: The Ethical Slut by Easton and Liszt, Opening Up by Tristan Taormino.

This book is short. The perspective presented on open relationships is one that is both more structured and more idealistic than the one I have. I don't agree that you should never let your hormones drive your decisions and you should never have sex with someone you just met. I also don't agree (sadly) that being poly means you never have to break up, your relationships just "evolve into new forms." Sorry. That would be nice.

There was no way that I wasn't going to read this book, since it's a book about poly, but I didn't think it was that great. For someone's first book on poly, it would be an okay read. But it's not the best.

Title: A Round-Heeled Woman: My Late-Life Adventures in Sex and Romance
Author: Jane Juska
Genre: Memoir, sexuality, books, nonfiction
Pages: 272, plus an unnumbered Reader's Guide
Copyright Date: 2003
Cover: Voluptuous red and pink background. In the center, there is a heart with newsprint inside. The newsprint reads: "Before I turn 67 - next March - I would like to have a lot of sex with a man I like. If you want to talk first, Trollope works for me."
First line: "'Do you think you're a nymphomaniac?' Bill wants to know."
Best part: Oh, it's hard to pick just one... but I love the juiciness of this book.
Worst part: The author sometimes jumps around chronologically when you least want her to.
Grade: A!
Recommended for: Anyone who thinks they're too old.
Related Reads: Fear of Flying by Erica Jong, Henry and June by Anais Nin, Aphrodite's Daughters by Jalaja Bonheim

At the tender age of 66, Juska placed a personal ad in the prestigious New York Review of Books. The text is included above, in the cover description. Why? What led up to that point? What was she hoping for, other than the obvious? Obviously, something happened to give her material for this book - but what?

I love the passionate enthusiasm that Juska shares with us. Everything is included - New York City, teaching teenagers, new teachers, and prison inmates, her home, her past. She describes her first encounter with sex after thirty years of celibacy with the same reverent joy she describes seeing a manuscript of her beloved Trollope for the first time in her life. Someone else that loves sex AND books, and wrote a whole book about that love! Delicious. Delightful. So good I felt like crying when I reached the last chapter - I didn't want it to end!
Buy it for an older person you'd describe as a character, or one you think could be if they really gave it a try. Buy it for yourself if you are worried about having a lonely, boring, and passionless old age. Buy two copies and lend one out to friends. It's really just that wonderful. An easy A.

Title: Get Up: A 12-Step Guide to Recovery for Misfits, Freaks, and Weirdo
Author: Bucky Sinister
Genre: Self-help, recovery
Topical Arc: Models of recovery
Pages: 169
Copyright Date: 2008
Cover:
First Line: "This is a recovery book written by a guy who never thought he'd read one all the way through."
Best part: It's easy to read, hard to put down.
Worst part: No alternatives to the twelve steps are mentioned.
Grade: B+
Recommended for: Anyone that is uncomfortable with "one size fits all" approaches to recovery and needs some new ideas.
Related Reads: Dharma Punx by Noah Levine, Sober for Good by Ann Fletcher.

"My advice to you is simple: Get up. You're not going to get any better lying there like that. I know, it hurts, but you have to get up and walk it off. Get up. No one is going to help you. Get up. You have a whole life to live." p 40

If you have a problem with alcohol or another substance, but think AA might be a cult, and definitely is not for people who are cool, hip, or edgy, this is the book for you. Sinister speaks as one who has been there. He is funny, blunt, and to-the-point. He talks about his own experiences and the experiences of people he knows, and he also has a lot of good advice. Figure out what you want from life. Find your inner A-Team. Find a support community.

My only real problem with this book as a book is that Sinister does not even mention recovery alternatives to AA, like Rational Recovery and Women for Sobriety. He talks about AA and he says that it is very difficult, maybe even impossible to stay sober on your own. I agree with this, but the thing about AA that I find the most frustrating is that it pretends to be the only game in town when it's not.

Still, if you have a hard-living playboy of a friend who is too cool to get sober, this is the book to give them, and it provides an entertaining perspective on a different way to view recovery. B+.

I read a book bad enough that I didn't want to write a review. That was The Secret History of the Pink Carnation. I had chosen it for lack of literary merit but my choice was a bit too good. English speech patterns have changed since the Napoleonic Wars. Enough said. But it was an enjoyable bit of fluff if you can ignore that. Two stars.

I also finished Greyhounds: Everything About Purchase, Care, Nutrition, Behavior, and Training by D. Caroline Coile. This book is short and full of color pictures, compared with Retired Racing Greyhounds for Dummies, which is long and full of interesting facts. I thought it was a good overview. You can definitely tell that the author has a bit of a bias towards show greyhounds as opposed to racing greyhounds.

Here is a quote:
"It is undeniably special to save the life of a retired racer, but keep in mind that the AKC Greyhound puppy could need you just as much.. Responsible breeders do not breed a litter unless there are homes lined up for puppies, and the greater availability of retired racers has meant that most people wanting a pet Greyhound get a Greyhound from racing stock, not show stock... If these dogs were bred, show breeders fear that the influx of their genes into the AKC show Greyhound type." p 10

I don't feel that saving the life of something that's alive is morally equivalent to setting up a situation where a new life will be created or contributing to the preservation of purebred stock. It seems to me to be a bit irresponsible to get a purebred show puppy purely as a pet when there are still thousands of former racing dogs put down every year. (Of course, if showing dogs is your thing, that's different...) It reminds me of that flyer you see sometimes where you can save 10,000 cats by spaying your cat. Saving is not the same thing as preventing something from being born either.

In general, though, I think that this is a good book. Three stars. Stay tuned for my review of Retired Racing Greyhounds for Dummies, when I get done with it. :)

I read this book for several reasons. One is that I was interviewed for it by the author (well, online, and it was a survey, but I did fill it out, and you get the idea). Another is that I try to stay current with new books on open relationships, for reasons that I'm sure are obvious to all of you. Those two are the reasons I started reading the book. The third reason came later, and I am not proud of it. I wanted to finish the book so that I could tell you all that it was bad and why I thought so.*

Open is basically an annotated memoir. Author Jenny Block tells the long and meandering story of how she came to be in an open marriage, with many asides and quotes criticizing monogamy and praising "openness" along the way. The introduction is the short version of the story, and each chapter is then introduced with another short paragraph from the introduction which summarizes it.

( All the Sordid Details. )

I wanted to like this book. The prose was good in places, and I did enjoy somewhat Block's story of how she got into an open marriage. But unless you feel you have been sitting around for years just waiting for someone to write another book on open marriage, I think you should give this one a miss. Two stars. (In the new system I would give this book a D+. I rolled my eyes a lot but I did finish it without throwing it once.)

*I don't really feel right saying, "This book is really bad but I didn't bother to finish it so I don't know for certain that it is bad all the way through." Strange, perhaps, but true.

(This is the third book in the series I'm reading for the queer book group.)

Exile and Pride is part memoir, part manifesto, part delicious prose. The author, Eli Clare, writes from per experiences growing up working-class, living with disability, coming out as queer, and recovering from sexual abuse. At the same time, sie situates per experience in historical, environmental, and economic contexts. Additionally, the poetic nature of Eli's other work is frequently apparent.

( A quote. )

Clare weaves these pieces into a seamless whole that at times made me gasp with wonder. For a short piece, the writer must choose depth or breadth. Clare chooses depth, looking at per own experiences both with a microscope and a telescope. Sie goes from intimate to political in a heartbeat with grace and flair. The gorgeous prose is what really ties this wonderful piece together.
Of course, choosing depth over breadth does have a downside as well. There are things I would have liked seeing this book - an exploration of invisible illness, discussion of modern media portrayals of race and class, further ideas about alternatives to a medical model of disability. But then this book wouldn't have been the short, powerful gem that it is. Four and a half stars.

This is the second book in the queer book group series. Initially, the facilitators wanted it to be the first book, because they thought it would be more accessible and welcoming than Whipping Girl, but some people had a hard time getting it, so it wound up second on the list.

This is an anthology written in 2004, shortly after the furor over some quasi-legal San Francisco gay weddings and gay marriage becoming legal in my own Massachusetts. The pieces are short (mostly under three pages) and there are a lot of them - the book is more than 380 pages long, so you do the math. Some favorite authors are including - Tristan Taormino, S. Bear Bergman, Pat Califia, Marshall Miller and Dorian Solot, and Cecilia Tan. The book is fairly well balanced between pro- and anti-marriage queers, and generally speaking the quality of the writing is high.

I think that this is a good book. I like the short pieces - I think the format makes people get to the point - three pages gives you little room to ramble. With that being said, it also has its limitations. It's very much focused on the American experience - there are only a few essays about gay marriage in other countries, and most of those are about Canada. Also, this is not a book you could give to your mother to convince her that gay marriage is an important issue, unless your mom is a lot cooler than mine - I think it pretty much assumes that the reader is both queer and very familiar with the queer movement. The work is already fairly dated only four years later - it's very specific to the time and place it was written in. And finally, in my opinion, it's just a bit too long. I had read about 150 pages when I felt that I had reconsidered my position on this issue and changed my perspective - but there were still more than 200 pages to go, and I was ready to be done at that point. Overall, I would give the book three stars. I would recommend reading it, especially if you just pick out the essays that you like. It would also be a great resource for anyone doing a history project on this topic who wants to hear queer voices on the subject.

Last time I wrote my book review before the group - in this case, I'm writing it after because I only finished the last essay a few hours before the group started. There are advantages to both ways, but I think in the future I am going to try to write the reviews beforehand, because I think it leads me to having more coherent and cogent things to say at the discussion.
I will admit I didn't expect the books for the book group to be this challenging - it is cutting into my "regular reading" a bit - but I think the challenge is a good one.

Today I finished reading Face to Face by Audrey Kishline and Sheryl Maloy. Wow. What an intense book, and it really has me thinking. I love it when a book makes me want to read other books, and it's rare when that happens for me with nonfiction. The last time it did, it started my "women and buddhism" reading kick, and I think this one is starting me on a topical arc of "models of addiction recovery." I want to know more, and soon I will.

( A little personal background. )

Audry Kishline and Sheryl Maloy's lives were joined forever in the fateful moment that Kishline's pickup truck hit the car of Maloy's ex-husband, killing both the ex and Maloy's twelve-year-old daughter. The two women co-wrote this book, each from their own perspective, talking about the events that led up to the accident and how their lives changed after it. Kishline pled guilty to murder and went to prison. Maloy tried to cope with her grief, learning to be closer to God, and trying to be both mother and father to her remaining children. And then everything changed again, when Maloy decided that God's will was that she forgive Kishline.

( Two quotes, one from each author. )

Not everything in this book fits with my own beliefs about life, and especially about spirituality. (I don't agree that we're all sinners in the eyes of God, or that driving drunk is ethically the same as shooting someone, for instance.) But I think it is an amazing story about two women doing the unthinkable (killing a child, forgiving a murderer), living through the unlivable (life in prison, life as a bereaved mother) and finding hope and forgiveness at the end of their journey. I can't imagine enduring what either of these women have endured. It also raised a lot of interesting questions about addiction and the recovery movement for me, although the book stays focused on the narrative and only brings up those topics as they pertain.
I think this book is really fascinating, and for the most part, it's well-written too. It made me hungry for more information, which I believe is one of the greatest gifts a book can bestow. Five stars.

For my next exploration into this topic, I plan to read Many Paths, One Journey by Charlotte Kasl and Sober for Good by Anne M. Fletcher. It seems to be tricky to find a balanced third-party view of AA - I was never aware of the controversies! - but perhaps something will come to light.