effective parenting skills

[snugglekitty]

So, last night I was on the bus. And, for the second time in a week, I heard a mother trying to get her child to stop crying by yelling at her and threatening her.

The mind boggles.


The only way I can think of it happening that you would stop crying because you were being threatened, would be that you became so afraid of the person threatening you that you start stuffing your emotions down. Is that really a state that parents want to create in their children? In the long term, if you're successful, it will mean years of therapy for the child so she can get back in touch with her mysteriously vanished emotions. (Believe me, I know, although my parents' approach to emotional control was much more subtle.) I don't think so, not even the indifferently-skilled ones, I think it's just thoughtlessness. Even so, the threats doesn't seem to work - the children only howled louder, which is exactly what I would have done, were I one of them.

One of the mothers kept yelling at her child, "You have no reason to be crying!" without ever inquiring if there was one. Both were threatening things that they obviously had no intention of actually delivering on, which also seems like a very bad idea. If you continuely threaten and don't produce, you stop getting believed, and create a cycle where eventually you have to do things that are not good ideas just so you can continue to be "respected."


I understand that these situations probably come to pass through circumstance, upset parents dealing with upset children, and not intent. But I hope that I will never be that kind of parent.

Comments

[tisana.livejournal.com]

Me too. Most times when I see that, I have both sympathy for their situation (frustration with a child, and wanting to not make a scene), and annoyance that they don't take care of it. But I also know that I wouldn't know how to do so any better, so... Can't really comment. Not good with kids, myself.

[cathijosephine.livejournal.com]

I don't know that my parents ever did that in public, but I definitely remember the threat that I could be given something to cry about. My general recall is that this was generally related to pouting, and at least once (and perhaps always, but I have only faint reccollection of being a child) in a gently teasing way, but it certainly never helped me stop crying.

[ecstasy367.livejournal.com]

Some people just should not breed.

[lady-anemone.livejournal.com]

I can only agree. Unfortunately, the folks that we are most likely to think are not qualified to have children are often the ones in power in society. If the ones in power were deciding, they wouldn't let _us_ have kids.

[deravyn.livejournal.com]

Not having much experience with children I have mostly sympathy for the situation but I can't help but wonder and be shocked at the people I've seen in this situation as to whether they just don't understand or care that that kind of yelling and threatening is probably harmful to their kids. Of course the flipside is equally shocking in seeing parents do nothing but pander and cajole the kids with ever inceasing bribes to behave and stop bothering them. I wonder is it just repetition of how they were treated as children or just ignorance of parenting practices and then I wonder if the parents don't think to get advice on parenting, instead thinking that the way they are doing it is fine or if there aren't the resources available to them. Mostly I try and remember it as a what not to do when I have children moment.

Just my thoughts
-D