A Grinch Manifesto

[snugglekitty]

There are still some of you who are unaware, and we're sorry, but while we will try to break the news gently, break it we must. Not everyone likes Christmas. In fact, many of us just hate it. We can no longer sit by quietly while annual lunacy overtakes our nation. We are not saying "don't celebrate Christmas," just that you should do it in private, wash your hands afterwards, and LEAVE US OUT OF IT!

The time has come to demand our freedoms!



Freedom from inappropriate inquiries into our morality, eg, "Have you been naughty or nice this year?" Does that question really make sense for those who are over ten? And what business is it of yours anyway?
Freedom from Christmas sweaters. Grown adults wear things at this time of year that they would never dream of considering at other times. A sweater with a appliqued reindeer on it and the nose really glows? Are you joking?
Freedom from the Christmas Top Forty. Why are there only forty Christmas songs, that get sung over and over and over with great seriousness by nearly every artist in the English-speaking world? I think this explains why Feliz Navidad was such a hit when it first came out - everyone was relieved to finally hear something different for a change.
Freedom from fruitcake. Who actually eats fruitcake? Who thought that was a good idea? How can we be sure that there are more than five fruitcakes in the world? (Thanks to tsuj for this contribution.)
Freedom from waiting in line for more than an hour to buy a jug of milk and a box of cereal. I wish there were stores for people who don't celebrate Christmas. You show a membership card, you solemnly swear that nothing you buy will be given as a present or used for a party, and you get the express lane.
Freedom from being trampled to death while in pursuit of discounts. I love a bargain as much as the next girl, but this Midnight Madness really is, well, mad.
Freedom from continuous and unwarranted bell-ringing. They sound in my dreams. Horrible horrible dreams.
Freedom from the assumption that everyone both has and gets along with biological family. Maybe the next time someone asks me if I'm going "home for the holidays," I'll say, "Yes, I have a very nice apartment and I wasn't planning on staying at the office while it's closed."
Freedom from inflatable lawn decorations. My favorite so far this year is an inflatable reindeer stable. trouble4hire suggested we should sneak over there and cross out "stable" and write in "harem" and put wigs and lipstick on all the reindeer.
Freedom from the assumption that everyone celebrates Christmas. Despite the fact that Beltane is my favorite holiday, I do not go around on May second asking everyone if they had sex outdoors or overthrew a government the previous day "in the spirit of the season." Please extend me the same courtesy.
Freedom from obligatory fun, which generally isn't. When's the last time you genuinely had a good time at a company Christmas party? Or saw anyone else do so that wasn't extremely drunk?
Freedom from obligatory happiness, which almost never is. "Cheer up, it's almost Christmas?" Is that the best you can do? Why do you think I was glaring in the first place?
Freedom from undesired holiday reunions. Your mouth is saying, "It's so nice to see you, Aunt Em!" and your heart is saying, "If I don't get some spiked eggnog in the next half hour I will simply lose my mind. How can I be related to these people?"
Freedom from the self-righteous idea that you only need to be charitable and compassionate for one day of the year. Yes, it's lovely that you go to the homeless shelter on Christmas Day. How do you help out the other 364?



Who's with me?

ETA: Gosh wow. This post was merely intended to blow off steam in what I find a very stressful time of year. I am happy for those of you that enjoy Christmas, and I hope you have a lovely time. I'm sure my life would be less complicated if I liked it too. I am... a bit mind boggled that some of you think I would vandalize someone's lawn rather than just consider the idea and grin for a minute. I didn't shoot out speakers playing Christmas music at the mall a la Hothead Paisan last year either, though as I recall I posted about that idea as well. Lighten up, folks.

Comments

[iff]

Me!!!

Especially being bombarded with the top 20 cheesiest and most overplayed Christmas carols ever. And the bell-ringing. I will freely admit that unwanted noise (including screeching children, squeaking laser printers, and those damned bells) will trigger sensory overload -- and if it's not dealt with quickly, a rather tantrum-y meltdown -- for me in a heartbeat. The only way I've been able to go anywhere near a store of any kind in the last month is with my iPod with the noise-reducing headphones firmly in place. It is also remarkably good at keeping me from tying up the small children who should be on leashes since their parents obviously can't be bothered to hold their hands in public. And NOTHING raises my hackles faster than the assumption that YOUR holiday is MY holiday. My Secret Snowflakes at work are getting wished a Happy Chanukwansolstistmaseid, and I'll be more than happy to add holidays to that wish if I find that I've left any out.

[purplepathos.livejournal.com]

Hee! Hee! All of this so true. I have a shameful confession, though..

I like fruitcake.

(If it's moist and not loaded with walnuts.)

[supercheesegirl.livejournal.com]

Most of this, I understand and fully support. However, I genuinely like Christmas. I don't think I've made a single LJ post about the holidays that was offensive--if I've posted, it was with excitement that travel plans worked out so I'd get to spend the holiday with my sweetie and my family both. If my holiday spirit has ever offended you, I apologize.

Yes, I do have a good time at the company holiday party, and so do my friends, and none of us got completely wasted. Yes, my mother owns a Christmas sweater with an applique reindeer whose nose lights up. She absolutely adores this sweater. However, while she only breaks out battery-powered clothes for Christmas, she does wear similarly nutty clothing during the rest of the year--I've seen her with applique giraffes and fish and in a mermaid sweater with little undersea-themed button covers. She's just like that.

And yes, my mother puts a huge variety of lighted and blow-up shit on her front lawn. It makes her really happy to do it, to come home and see her lights brightly shining to welcome her. She also enjoys seeing the reactions of friends and family who enjoy the lawn--it makes her happy. She likes to imagine other families driving around to see lights enjoying her display. She likes to decorate for many different holidays. A few years ago at Halloween, her big blow-up vampire was stolen, and she was absolutely heartbroken. It ruined her holiday. What I'm saying here is please, please don't deface the inflatable reindeer stable. You will be ruining someone's holiday. While many people may accost you with unwanted Christmas cheer, the woman with the reindeer stable on her lawn never did, and she doesn't deserve to have her holiday ruined. It's her lawn, it's her property, and she can put whatever she wants on it.

Like I said, I agree with you about many of the things on this list. Intrusive questions, repetitive music, long lines, crazy shoppers, and fruitcake are not things that anyone wants to deal with at any time of year. I realize that I've been blessed with incredibly wonderful family, friends, and coworkers, and although I enjoy this season immensely, I understand that many people don't. But I did want to speak up for the people who wear reindeer sweaters and decorate their lawns. Doing those things bring them real joy, and while you may find it ridiculous, it doesn't bother anybody, not really. Please let those people enjoy their holiday.

[boy-wonderwolf.livejournal.com]

I am! I've threatened to cancel Christmas this year which is funny because I don't even celebrate it.

The music, the lines, the paraphernalia that comes out earlier and earlier each year. Yup, I think you have it all covered.

Just so that people don't mistake me for a scrooge, I do have beliefs, strong beliefs in fact that just don't happen to be mainstream (and for that I am thankful).

Although, I will admit to having a Yule tree. It's white with purple lights and almost all penguin ornaments. And there are a few inflatables (again with the penguins) that most years are in the front yard. This year SC wasn't able to put them up.

[dakotakym.livejournal.com]

Yep, Christmas can suck it.

I think there's a phrase for it:

[avivasedai.livejournal.com]

There should be separation of church and state in this nation. Instead, we've decided to suspend certain governmental functions not only on Christian holidays, but on more and more holidays of other religions. At least in NYC, there is recognition of Eid and Pesach and Kwanzaa as well as Christmas and Easter. As for what stores and individuals do, that should be done with respect, I agree with you.

I had a student in an elevator ask me "Do you celebrate Christmas?" I looked at her, surprised and amazed, and said "No, I celebrate Hannukah." "Well, happy Hannukah then!" I thought that was incredibly thoughtful.

Just as you are free to rail against it, others are free to be happy. When it's inflicted upon us, that sucks. There are radio stations I usually listen to that I avoid from mid-November through New Year's. I will sing songs from my holiday on the street, I will not give to the Salvation Army, I will try my hardest not to shop in Christmas-centric places.

Defacing someone else's property is not cool. Thinking about it can be funny.

I understand this is a bad time of year for you. I hope you surround yourself with what you love, enjoy, and what comforts you in the darkest months. Please, however, don't let this season make you spew hate at others. Education is a better, more constructive mode.

[csixballistics.livejournal.com]

AYE!!

[katkt.livejournal.com]

I have nothing against Christmas - occasionally I even like it - but I thought vandalizing someone's lawn was a terribly entertaining idea, and I'm pleased you shared it with me. But it's possible that we aren't ready, as a society, to move from lipstick on a pig to lipstick on a reindeer just yet.

Sadly, Freedom From Each Other is one of those rights we don't have. For the most part, it's probably good that we don't, but it would be nice if there were a way we could briefly invoke it, just for those times when we Just Need Some Space Right Now or perhaps Cannot Put Up With Other People's Shit Just At The Moment.

[ Now I have Big Red Boat meandering through my head ]

[lady-anemone.livejournal.com]

Wow, that's cool! I think I only had fruitcake once, and either I didn't like it at all or it was a very poor example of the genre.

I'm glad you got a giggle out of my post.

Re: I think there's a phrase for it:

[lady-anemone.livejournal.com]

I had a student in an elevator ask me "Do you celebrate Christmas?" I looked at her, surprised and amazed, and said "No, I celebrate Hannukah." "Well, happy Hannukah then!" I thought that was incredibly thoughtful.

Another doctor at my chiropractor's office was kind enough to ask me whether I celebrated any winter holidays when I mentioned I wasn't Christian. I thought that was also a very tactful approach, and we had a nice conversation.

Hopefully in another week we will both be safe listening to whatever radio stations we want.

[mrpet.livejournal.com]

It's not like you put Bordelo up there instead of stable and added some fishnets ;)

[lady-anemone.livejournal.com]

*gigglefit*
You rock my world.

[lady-anemone.livejournal.com]

Oh, I forgot to mention the "earlier and earlier every year" phenomena. Thanks for bringing it up.

I also feel frustrated with being called a scrooge. Not being into Christmas does not make you a bad person.

Inflatable penguins. Now that I can get behind. :)

[rantfaery.livejournal.com]

Word.

I'm just waiting for it to be over. If it weren't for Rowan, I would wash my hands of the whole deal. However, reading him books about the Solstice, Christmas AND Chanukah is kind of nice.

Anyway, yeah. I wish I could muster up more positivity this time of year, again for at least my child, and I think I do a passable job of it...but it's hard.

This definitely made me laugh. Thank you, hon. *hug*