![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
snugglekittySo, recently I've been solicited for various kinds of play by a number of people who are married or otherwise monogamous and feel that their partners don't have to know. In one case, I was a little bit tempted*, but still said no. Why? I'm so glad you asked. Here is a quick list of reasons why I don't play with the monogamously involved sort.
1) It's bad karma. I mean this in both the sense of "this is bad energy that I do not wish to have in my life/energy system" and "his wife could show up with a baseball bat at my house."
2) People who are cheating are hurting someone that they claim to care about. This could mean one of three things: a) they are not perceptive enough to realize that this is bound to end in trouble or b) avoiding harm to people they care about is not a priority or c) they don't really care about this person but continue to pretend to, for some reason. None of these traits are attractive to me. It also almost definitely means that even if they came to care about me, the chances of them hurting me would remain nontrivial.
3) If they are capable of lying to their loved ones, they are also capable of lying to me. I really hate being lied to. Just not worth it.
4) No drama llama! No drama! Cheating is an intense source of interpersonal drama, and I am drama avoidant.
5) I know people leave people for all kinds of reasons all the time. But the prospect of being left immediately with no warning because the person feels they can no longer do this to their wife anymore and wants to regain their sense of themselves as an ethical person, or because their partner found out, seems like a ticking time bomb.
6) I don't want to cause breakups to third parties. Nor do I want anyone sleeping on my couch because her boyfriend kicked her out because he found out she was fucking me. I know I would feel obligated and guilty and it would still be a terrible idea. No thanks.
7) And more generally, I've been the only one who didn't know before. I didn't like it at all, wouldn't wish it on people I've never met and who are probably very decent human beings, and don't want to be part of it happening if I can help it.
8) I'm poly. How can I tell people that poly is different from cheating if I help others cheat? Well, I can't, not without being a big hypocrite.
9) I don't like being someone's secret, even if they're not breaking any promises. I value honesty and openness in my partners.
10) It's hard work to maintain a good relationship with someone who's primary is someone else, even if they know and consent. How much harder would it be to have a relationship where they DIDN'T know and consent?
11) It doesn't feel good to lie to someone you care for. I don't want to help anyone that I care for or feel I could care for experience that feeling. And if I didn't feel I could care for them, then why bother?
I could go on, but that's fairly comprehensive. Any comments?
*It would have been a service relationship, without sex and possibly without play, and that almost wasn't enough to ping my alarms... but eventually I had to say, talk to me again once you've talked to your wife.
1) It's bad karma. I mean this in both the sense of "this is bad energy that I do not wish to have in my life/energy system" and "his wife could show up with a baseball bat at my house."
2) People who are cheating are hurting someone that they claim to care about. This could mean one of three things: a) they are not perceptive enough to realize that this is bound to end in trouble or b) avoiding harm to people they care about is not a priority or c) they don't really care about this person but continue to pretend to, for some reason. None of these traits are attractive to me. It also almost definitely means that even if they came to care about me, the chances of them hurting me would remain nontrivial.
3) If they are capable of lying to their loved ones, they are also capable of lying to me. I really hate being lied to. Just not worth it.
4) No drama llama! No drama! Cheating is an intense source of interpersonal drama, and I am drama avoidant.
5) I know people leave people for all kinds of reasons all the time. But the prospect of being left immediately with no warning because the person feels they can no longer do this to their wife anymore and wants to regain their sense of themselves as an ethical person, or because their partner found out, seems like a ticking time bomb.
6) I don't want to cause breakups to third parties. Nor do I want anyone sleeping on my couch because her boyfriend kicked her out because he found out she was fucking me. I know I would feel obligated and guilty and it would still be a terrible idea. No thanks.
7) And more generally, I've been the only one who didn't know before. I didn't like it at all, wouldn't wish it on people I've never met and who are probably very decent human beings, and don't want to be part of it happening if I can help it.
8) I'm poly. How can I tell people that poly is different from cheating if I help others cheat? Well, I can't, not without being a big hypocrite.
9) I don't like being someone's secret, even if they're not breaking any promises. I value honesty and openness in my partners.
10) It's hard work to maintain a good relationship with someone who's primary is someone else, even if they know and consent. How much harder would it be to have a relationship where they DIDN'T know and consent?
11) It doesn't feel good to lie to someone you care for. I don't want to help anyone that I care for or feel I could care for experience that feeling. And if I didn't feel I could care for them, then why bother?
I could go on, but that's fairly comprehensive. Any comments?
*It would have been a service relationship, without sex and possibly without play, and that almost wasn't enough to ping my alarms... but eventually I had to say, talk to me again once you've talked to your wife.