April is question month

[snugglekitty]

So, apparently whoever is in charge of such things has decided that April is the month to ask other people questions.

I'm not going to try to do one a day. But I'll ask a few and see if it's still fun.

Here's my opening salvo:

What defines a loving relationship for you? Answer in positive terms - ie, tell me what it HAS rather than what it doesn't have.

Comments

[catya.livejournal.com]

sex, romance, and the agreement that we're in a relationhip? :)

(presuming we're talking non-platonic here)

[lady-anemone.livejournal.com]

Oh!

Apparently I didn't make myself very clear.

What I'm trying to ask here is not, what makes it a relationship, but what makes it a GOOD relationship. A loving relationship.

[catya.livejournal.com]

hee :) loving isn't what makes it good for me, obviously :)

i'm currently very into the idea of congruence - where someone knows what hir intentions are, expresses hir intent clearly (and gently) and then acts in congruence with said stated intentions.

it's relatively new vocabulary / thought process for me, but the more i have thought about it the more i have realized that it's when those things don't match that i end up miserable.

[lady-anemone.livejournal.com]

Ooh, congruence. I like it!

[arachne8x.livejournal.com]

For me a loving relationship has to mean more good days than bad (as a couple). For me, that person has to be the person I am willing to deal with, even when I can't deal with the rest of the world. Respecting me and my need for alone time is key, as is providing succor when I need it. I need to be willing to do all those things for the other person too.

[lady-anemone.livejournal.com]

I really like everything you've said here. :)

[elkor.livejournal.com]

What defines a loving relationship for you?

Trust. Tolereance. Acceptance. Giving the benefit of the doubt.

Willing to share memories, stories, jokes and privacy.

Maintaining confidences. Accepting when the other has a secret they can't share. Knowing that if it was relevant, it would be shared.

[lady-anemone.livejournal.com]

Accepting when the other has a secret they can't share. Knowing that if it was relevant, it would be shared.

Hmm.

What happens when a secret can't be shared and it IS relevant? Or are secrets only okay as long as they never have any bearing on the matter at hand?

[elkor.livejournal.com]

In most cases, if someone wants to tell me a secret, my only caveat is "I won't tell anyone else but Margo."

Essentially, I am saying that if people tell me a secret, the automatic assumption should be that Margo may find out unless specific exemptions are agreed to ahead of time. For example, if we're discussing a suprise present for Margo, while that may be relevant, it won't be shared.

The other exceptions have to do with my employment. If I were entrusted with Secrets at work (I'm not saying I am, since an element of keeping a secret is not letting people know that you know a secret), then my partner doesn't need to know them.

But, if it's along the lines of "Yeah, that person that you had sex with last week? Btw, they have HPV." Well, that's not a secret that is eligible for exemption.

[lady-anemone.livejournal.com]

In most cases, if someone wants to tell me a secret, my only caveat is "I won't tell anyone else but Margo."

That makes sense to me.

But, if it's along the lines of "Yeah, that person that you had sex with last week? Btw, they have HPV." Well, that's not a secret that is eligible for exemption.

I don't think that's a good example. It's too easy. Something where there is obvious and likely harm to the person, well, that's an easy choice to make.

What about something like... hmm. Where it has bearing on the subject but isn't necessarily injurious to your partner. Example: you have a fight about something that you had a fight about in a previous relationship, but you don't feel that the details of that relationship are something that you can share. For your own reasons, not because anyone has asked you not to. What happens then?

Ahhh, the grey zone....

[elkor.livejournal.com]

For your own reasons, not because anyone has asked you not to. What happens then?

If I consider it a personal secret, it stays a secret. If it is relevant to the continuation of the relationship, and I value the relationship, then I hope I'll trust the person with my privacy. If I feel it shares something personal about the other person, I'll try to get ahold of the person and ask if it is ok. If I can't get ahold of the person for whatever reason, I may share the particulars of the event, but omit who the event happened with.

(Example: If a past lover enjoyed wearing wet noodles while having sex, and my current lover also enjoys that, it isn't appropriate to say "Oh, so does Past Lover!") I may mention that A past lover had that foible, but not be specific.

I have very few personal secrets that I won't share with my SO. And those secrets I do have are known to very few people. It's other people's secrets that I safeguard.

down with love the root of all midnight blues (barbara streisand sings)

[gurl1776.livejournal.com]

extremely good question. And, so far, extremely good answers.

[dancing-kiralee.livejournal.com]

I think the thing that matters most to me is how people respond to the information I give them. They don't have to believe everything I say, or agree with it, but they have to believe in me.

I don't know how to explain it better than that without sounding like I'm demanding too much, or spending more time than I have right now to answer; but it's one of the things I bring to a relationship; I find that people usually respond by answering in kind; and I've found that I'm quite sucessful at creating loving relationships when they do.

... I'd like to post this in my own journal. May I quote your question as an introduction if I do? If so, how do you want to be acknowledged (assuming you prefer to be acknowledged).

Kiralee

[lady-anemone.livejournal.com]

Thanks for your comment. I agree that the way communication functions is a good indicator of the health of the relationship. I think that being willing/able to give the other person the benefit of the doubt is a significant part of that.

It's fine if you quote my question, and acknowledging me as lady_anemone suits. :)