[books] My Husband Betty and my life

[snugglekitty]

Based on a review by bearsir I thought I would try reading My Husband Betty by Helen Boyd. I thought it was great.



I found this book really interesting and well-written. It was also very clear that I was not the target audience.

You would think that I was, as the wife of a crossdresser. Right? I mean, that's what it's about, being married to a crossdresser. Well, not exactly. Many or most crossdressers apparently have been crossdressing from an early age, have feelings of transgenderness, identify as straight, and are afraid of not being normal. Most wives of crossdressers are conservative folks (often chosen by the crossdressers in the hopes that their wives will "cure" them or prevent them from crossdressing) who have been lied to by their husbands for years before finding out, and who have identities as straight women.

This is not what life looks like for me and mrpet. Nope. We both identified as queer even before we met. He started crossdressing partly because I had explained to him that the goth scene encouraged boys to wear skirts and makeup (due essentially to it being a Cult of the Crone, imho). He kept doing it because he thinks it's fun, it turns him on, and he likes fucking with people. Also, he likes being fabulous. I am not straight or conservative - in fact, I'm pretty much a flaming liberal and I prefer women. Neither of us is particularly invested in an identity as a "normal" married couple. There hasn't been any lying. And the major fear of many women - that their husband will turn out to be queer? Well, not only did we cross that bridge before we even started dating, but also, I think two guys together are pretty hot.

So, most of the "huge problems" that Helen Boyd talks about wives and crossdressers experiencing are not at all on our radar. I think a big factor is that we communicate very honestly with each other.

There were a few points that struck home for me. One was the idea that "when your husband's second wardrobe costs more than your first wardrobe," you may feel a bit jealous. Yup. Another was, what happens when you're both dressed up and your husband looks better than you? Yes, I've been that girl too. Boyd basically suggests that the onus in that situation should be on the husband, to buy nice things for his wife when he's buying nice things for himself (which he does), to offer help with fashion stuff (which he doesn't - I'm not sure what that would look like) and to offer compliments on the wife's appearance (which he does sometimes, but it never occurred to me that that might be related to what I feel).

Also, I felt a lot of sympathy with Boyd's frustration about how the crossdressing community has alienated itself from other communities that would be happy to welcome crossdressers and from which CDs could learn - ie, the queer community, the transgendered community, and the BDSM community. For us, genderfucking is just one more way we're sexually deviant. We live in those communities rather than in any community that's specific to crossdressing - in fact, I was slightly surprised to find out those communities exist. (Apparently, they're dwindling as more and more crossdressers have no problems with queer, trans, and/or kinky identities.)

I enjoyed a lot Boyd's discussion of how crossdressing men, rather than simply having "a feminine side," are expressing femininity as viewed through masculine eyes. Two aspects in particular stuck out - a narrative written by a crossdresser, saying how you always notice women talking about fashion and how much he wanted to be included in that bonding ritual. Boyd pointed out, and I agree, that women often only talk about fashion when they have a male audience. When it's really "just us girls," we talk about our relationships, our jobs, our dysfunctional families. What seems like the core of femininity to an outside observer really isn't at all. Also, Boyd talked about the Centerfold Syndrome (from a book by Gary Brooks) which describes the way that men's views of women keep them from engaging with women as they really are, because they have essentially been taught that women are objects, accessories.
Happily, this has almost nothing to do with my situation - mrpet isn't trying to express his inner feminine and also has a big clue about gender roles. In fact, our clues about gender roles are what make fucking with gender so appealing.

I'm so glad he's not one of those tortured souls who are horrified by what they want and can't fit it into their identity. I'm so glad I'm not one of those poor wives who has had her trust shattered and her world turned upside down.
I'm always glad to be a freak, but this made me especially glad.



This is a great book, and I would strongly recommend it for anyone who's interested in trans issues or gender.