"having a feeling"

[snugglekitty]

So, 7j introduced me to this concept which I think is really awesome, and want to share with all of you. Essentially, it is a specific meaning for the concept "having a feeling."

"Having a feeling," as we use it, means "I'm having a feeling even though I know it doesn't make sense," or "I'm having a feeling, I just don't know what it is or what to do about it." It's a way of saying that you're having some kind of emotional kablooey that probably doesn't have anything to do with the other person inherently but needs attention anyway. Along the lines of "I know this is crazy, but please reassure me anyway and then we can get on with our lives."

Here are some examples of times when this concept may be useful:

"You've been scowling all morning, are you mad at me?" "No, you didn't do anything wrong, I'm just having a feeling."

"I thought we talked about it and you said it was fine?" "Yes, and it is fine, I'm just having a feeling."

"Can you tell me that you're not going to run away with a circus acrobat? I'm having a feeling."

"I just don't want to talk about it right now, I'm having a feeling. I'll let you know when it's a better time."

What communicative concept is very helpful to you in your relationships?

Comments

[desiringsubject.livejournal.com]

I use this language as well. Though I *try* not to modify with "just" as if having a feeling in itself is not important. It's a more nuanced version of the "using 'I' statements" concept that is so useful in conflict resolution. I often use things like "I'm having $this feeling" in conjunction with, "I want to be clear that my feeling $way is not your responsibility. I just want you to know that this feeling is here, and affecting my interactions with the world."

[lady-anemone.livejournal.com]

Though I *try* not to modify with "just" as if having a feeling in itself is not important.

Good point!

[pink-pet.livejournal.com]

We use something similar in my triad. We say, "I'm having feelings."

This is a cue that the three of us need to sit down and talk. I think the phrase, "I'm having feelings" works for us because it means the person doesn't have to define the feelings or name them or anything before they start talking about them.

So we don't usually say, "I'm feeling angry," or, "I'm feeling jealous," or, "I'm feeling left out." We just say, "I'm having feelings."

When we do start to talk, typically the first part of the discussion is helping the person clarify the feelings they are having and why they are having them. Once the person has expressed their feelings and been heard by the other two, then we progress to the problem solving stage, if it is needed.

Often just having the other two hear and acknlowedge the feelings is enough. But sometimes we need to make changes, adjustments, alternations to plans or rules of behavior, or whatever.

We also use the expression pro-actively (even though I hate the word pro-active). For example, after a play party one of us might say, "Is anyone having any feelings we need to talk about?" Or one of us might be making plans to do something and then say, "That's what I'm thinking of doing, does anyone have any feelings about it?"

We've found it to be a really useful communication style.

[lady-anemone.livejournal.com]

Mmm. That's lovely. Thanks for sharing.

We also do, "Are you having a feeling?" which can be very useful because sometimes the person doesn't know they're having a feeling until someone points it out to them.

[bearsir.livejournal.com]

My relationship-idiolect word is, "I'm lestering." Which means, "I am ready to go, and am doing other things only to fill the time until /you/ are ready to go. Please do not assume you can take your time because you see me doing things."

::grin::

(no, I have no idea why it became lestering, it just is.

[lady-anemone.livejournal.com]

Oooh, I like that one a lot. It makes me think of an Uncle Lester waiting patiently for Uncle Raymond to get off the darn computer, tinkering while he waits. Thank you.